just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
