Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Randomize
