I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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