you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
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Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
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