mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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