I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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