My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
