We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
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