I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
