The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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