I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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