franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
