I accidentally had phone sex last night
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Randomize
