I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
