he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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