I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
