why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
