I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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