This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
