I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
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