Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Randomize
