Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
