i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
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