i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I had to cum in my sink.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
