New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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