These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
