i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
