i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
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No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
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Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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