everyone is single if you try hard enough
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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