Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
