Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Define "chronic" masturbator.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Randomize
