me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
It's official drugs can't kill me
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
