Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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