she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
