why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
