Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
