My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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