Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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