3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I hate your face
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
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Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
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