party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
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Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
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Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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