i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
