I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
