I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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