i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I need moral support for this bender
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
