I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
