I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Mom said you looked used
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
