last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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