I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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