on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
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I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
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so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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