So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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