I think I won the penis lottery.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
