god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
