apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
