well I can't set my house on fire every night
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
