i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
