I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
